Watch your ass
A few recommendations to my fellow Iranians
In the post 9/11 era and in the wake of recent intensification of conflict between Iran and the United States, we
Iranians along with Arabs of course are considered prime terrorist suspects due to our national origins. We are
constantly being watched by our neighbors and our daily activities are scrutinized by the people around us.
These symptoms are the side effects of the Patriot Act. We are natural subjects of racial profiling and we receive
unfair treatments anywhere we are remotely deemed to be a threat to the national security. We simply do not
have equal rights as others in this country. We are guiltless citizens on the run waiting to get caught to prove our
You may innocently ask why? What have I done to deserve such treatment? I am a hard working and law-abiding
citizen of this great country, then why should I be treated differently?
My polite response to your legitimate question is, shut the hell up and close your terrorist hole! You are guilty by
the reason of nationality!
As the president of the United States and leader of the free world always says, we are the "Evil Doers". This
simple yet profound phrase reveals our national sexual orientation. Men from other countries, usually have sex
with women so they are "Human Doers". But our sexual appetite is weird. We are not satisfied with humanly sex,
we chase monsters, ghouls and vampires, buy them drinks and relentlessly try to get into their pants, and
therefore we are considered the "Evil Doers".
To protect our national identity, we Iranian men should stop this unorthodox practice of chasing demons and
focus on the human race even if we have to scarify up to 40% of our sexual pleasure.
Dear fellow suspects, do not take these accusations personally and stop whining. Let's face the reality; the case
against us is strong. If we were not terrorists, the president of the United States would not call our nation a
terrorist nation! Don't we understand anything? We came from a terrorist nation which simply means that every
one of the 70 millions Iranians is a terrorist.
Therefore, according to this presidential logic, your baba bozorg (grandfather) is a terrorist. Your mother in law is
a terrorist and if you have a quickie with your wife tonight with a defective condom, chances are that you are
making a little cute terrorist who arrives in nine months.
Now that I’ve established the fact (beyond shadow of the doubt) that we Iranians are all terrorists, please follow
these simple instructions to make your life a little easier.
1. Since all captured terrorists had beards, you must shave daily, I take it back, shave twice a day. God
forbid if you forget to shave for a couple of days, do not leave home.
2. Because of your looks, if you go out of your house, it better not be for fun. Strolling in the crowded
shopping centers with your suspicious looks is a no no.
3. (This could be classified as 2 a.) Once again, because of your looks, do not go to cinema on time. Always
arrive 15 minutes late when the lights are out and leave the theater 15 minutes before the movie is over to avoid
scaring the moviegoers. (Use your imagination to figure out the ending).
4. To avoid complications become an illegal Mexican ASAP. They are in better shape than we are nowadays.
5. Even In the privacy of your home, do not make loud noises of any kind. Otherwise your mug shot might be
on TV the same night.
6. Do not speak your language in public even with your grandpa who does not speak one word of English.
Which scenario do you prefer? Dealing with your pissed off Baba Joon or the suspicious looks of people around
7. Regardless of your personal problems, do not look worried or appear to be in a rush in public places even
if your appendix is ruptured and you must rush to hospital.
8. Since you are a Middle Eastern, do not learn how to fly, don't even think about it. If you have a passion to
fly, fly out of your window. This is called a free fall (no charge) and the result is a blast!
9. Since terrorists usually lean Karate, you must not take self- defense classes. It looks bloody suspicious for
us Middle Easterners. If your ass is getting kicked by a bully at your school on a daily basis and to defend your
human dignity instead of taking self- defense classes take ballet classes. And one day dress up in your white
spandex and pink ballet shoes and tiptoe to your bully and face him in public. Do you really think he would dare
raising his hand on you in your cute outfit in front of all your classmates? I don't thinks so.
10. Do not mix chemicals at home. Mixture of household cleaning products may create explosives. And you
know that the Middle Easterners and explosives don't mix very well. But if you have to mix household products to
get a better cleaning result, first mix equal amount of Windex, Drain-O liquid plumber, Comet Bathroom cleaner
and Lysol toilet bowl cleaner and promptly drink the mixture. Then shake your booty for three minutes (or five
minutes if your ass is huge). If you didn't blow up, the mixture is safe and non-explosive. Now you can go ahead
and use the same mixture to clean your kitchen.
Oh! Wait a minute! My chemist friend just informed me that, the above mixture might explode under high
temperature. In that case, you must redo the experiment. Make the same mixture and drink then, turn on the
stove to the highest level, pull your pants down and jump on the largest burner and sit motionless for 25 minutes.
(Dizziness and smoking ass are common side effects of this experiment). If you are still not blown up, the mixture
is definitely safe and you may proceed and clean your kitchen.
11. As a rule of thumb if you cannot change the color of your skin and erase your accent, then do not fly
with commercial airliners until further notice for two obvious reasons. First is because someone may highjack the
plane and crash it into a building and second is that every other passenger in that plane is thinking you are the
one who is going to do it!
If you have to go to overseas, hire a mule or use your bicycles.
However, if you must go to airport, arrive 7 days prior to your departure time for security check and mandatory
detention. Upon your arrival, proceed to the first available counter and in a clear and non-threatening tone of
voice declare: "I am a Middle-Eastern man, what is my punishment please?" The courteous airport employees
behind the counter would promptly call the security and they take care of you.
After this ritual, while you are in the plane, (if you are lucky and get to that point) do not and I repeat do not go to
bathroom. As you stand up, you will be tackled by minimum of fifty concerned passengers desperately fighting for
their lives. No human bladder can withstand such pressure; therefore you will officially poop your pants. To
avoid such complications, eating and drinking 48 hours prior to the flight must be prohibited for Middle-
As we all know, to protect us in this time of crisis, and to avoid violations of our civil rights regardless of our race
and national origin, NSA (National Security Agency) is lawfully controlling every telephone conversation and
email. And better yet, the tiny transmitters are invented and widely used by the intelligence agencies to
eavesdrop on people with Middle-Eastern Backgrounds. These devices are so tiny that can be inserted in any
human hole and bug the hell out of him. Therefore, dear Iranians, watch your ass, as you may be sleeping one
night and dreaming about world peace or the girl next door, this device may be inserted in you. I believe
however, due to the urgency of protecting America, these microphones have already been planted in all of us by
now and we are all acting as mobile transmitters. Yes, we all have bugs in our ass.
Based on this new information and until further notice, I strongly recommend to all of you my fellow Iranians not to
eat Deezee or burritos as they are saturated with beans. Remember that any noise we generate is promptly
transmitted to the headquarters of spy agencies and carefully analyzed. We must watch our diet not because we
may send the wrong signals and screw up the government but to preserve our national pride. We are not a
Goozoo (farting) nation.
In light of the above discovery and to ensure your privacy,
12. Every night before you go to bed, search your holes or have your beloved wife check them for you. If
you find a foreign object in your butt, do not be alarmed. Gently remove the object and place it in the glass of
water next to your bed until the next morning. Caution! Do not wake up thirsty in the middle of the night.
13. Be suspicious of yourself. Keep a logbook of all your daily activities. You never know when you will be
interrogated. Keep the receipt for every purchase you make and remember why you made it. If you visit a
hooker, demand a cash receipt or pay with credit card. Believe me, justifying this charge to your wife is much
easier than explaining a payment to a total stranger to the FBI.
Finally, let’s not be so negative and consider some positive aspects of the war on terror for us Iranians.
A. From now on, we Iranians can always find jobs at FBI or CIA as conversation listeners/translators. And if
God forbid, there are no calls made by Iranians and we are in danger of losing our jobs, we may simply call our
own friends and family and then translate the conversation into English and get paid.
B. As many of us have already done, we may write a book about our daily lives in Iran under Islamic regime
and become the New York Times bestsellers. Just make sure the cover design includes Iranian girls in hejab.
C. Iranian senior citizens can always put their Islamic knowledge into a good use and publish books like
“Islam For Dummies” or “Islam in 10 minutes a day” or even “How to circumcise yourself with a regular kitchen
knife”. There are plenty of golden opportunities for smart Iranians.
And finally I urge you my fellow Iranians to immediately thank God almighty for not being Arabs otherwise you
would be reading this same text in jail.