A Few Recommendations to Stop Airborne Terrorism
TSA agents stationed at airports security checkpoints must profile the hell out of
Middle Eastern looking travelers especially bearded young men. Unshaved women
should also be screened.
Qualified profilers examine passengers waiting in line and tap on the shoulders of
suspects. The suspect steps forward to go through a rigorous interrogation and
screening while other passengers give them a standing ovation for their improper
national origin and religion and for providing others a hassle free travel experience.
The cleared profiled passengers however should be properly compensated for
violation of their constitutional rights. Their tickets should be upgraded to first
class at no charge to include complimentary in-flight meals (with Halal meat) and
non alcoholic beverages of their choice.
If implementation of idea #1 does not prevent terrorism, then it becomes obvious
that Middle Eastern people are more dangerous than previously thought. In that
case consider the next idea.
Ban Middle Eastern people from flying, period.
Since this preventive measure may cause slight inconvenience for some of our
fellow citizens and to accommodate their traveling needs when Middle Eastern
people book flights, a healthy mule-with sufficient supply of hey- must be shipped
to their address free of charge by Fed-Ex within 48 hours to be used as alternate
mode of transportation-mule must be equipped with inflatable tubes for overseas
If God forbid, after taking all these precautions, an act of terror is committed in the
air, it becomes evident that the evildoers have gone through major reconstructive
surgery and are using fake identifications and utilizing advanced technologies to
disguise and to circumvent security screening. In that case leave Muslims and
Middle Eastern people alone and suspect everyone else as directed in Idea # 3:
Profile the hell out of anyone who does not look like Middle Eastern including but
not limited to the following:
The white haired grandmother, the blind Jewish Rabbi with asthma, the exotic
dancer with fake boobs sitting in a wheelchair, the pregnant woman with triplets
whose water just broke, the barking hyperactive Cocker Spaniel in cage and even
the dead uncle’s body being transported to his final resting place in a casket. The
aforementioned prime suspects must go through intrusive background check, pat-
down and cavity search with no exception.
If the above steps fail to neutralize the threat, then consider the ultimate solution.
Put all air travelers to sleep during every flight
Before takeoff all passengers must be given sleeping pills. A sedative suppository
must be administered forcefully on non-cooperative travelers. This security
measure saves money for airliners and reduces ticket prices too because there
would be no need for fly attendants anymore to throw peanuts bags at passengers
or give them dirty look.
Finally and as a last ditch effort to stop the rise of global fundamentalism in
general, to help prevent violence against innocent civilians in particular and to
create a safer world for everyone; follow the next Idea:.
Idea #5 Paradigm Shift
Support people’s struggle for democracy in the Middle East.
United States should stop the self-serving meddling in internal affair of other
countries, and quit the bad habit of invading countries under false pretenses and
installing client dictators and promote real democracy in the region for a change.