How to Get a Heart Attack!                                                  
                                           
The most convenient way of achieving a wholesome heart attack is to increase your stress level. And the
best method to raise your stress is to torment yourself because you’re a complete failure. Always try to
overlook your achievements in life-if you had any- and concentrate on your weaknesses and magnify your
shortcomings. Remember failure is the key to success.

Although there are a variety of innovative techniques to induce a successful heart attack, in this study let us
focus on a few fundamental and universally proven ideas to reach this goal.     

Jealousy!
Carefully observe your family members, relatives and friends to find one who you can be jealous of.  Studies
show that being jealous of loved ones is more lethal therefore, don’t be sloppy and envy total strangers. If
someone close to you is accomplished, he or she can be your death role model. Don’t waste your valuable
time! Immediately start the treatment and be jealous of her high paying job, her expensive house or her
sporty car.  If you have all these luxuries and are still looking for reasons to torment yourself, then see if she
has any special talents worthy of dying for and begin crushing your self-esteem. Remember, all these baby
steps you take now, will help you reach the end faster.   



Regret.
Another method of accomplishing a heart failure is self-condemnation. Regret your missed chances to
become rich. If you never had any golden opportunities in life to miss, then make up some, use your
imagination and cheat; no one catches you as long as you do it delicately.  Tell everyone about a great piece
of real estate you could’ve purchased for a couple of thousand dollars a few years ago, that is now worth
millions. Don’t worry, you can’t get caught as long as you put your heart into it, remember heart is the one
you’re trying to stop. Be specific to make your lie more dramatic and realistic, give them details and draw a
little map if you must. Lie about the pricey chunks of lands off the major freeways right by the 7-Elevens, they’
re very handy, use them. And always regret publicly. Let people see a complete loser in your face. That’s
how it works.

Express your regret you didn’t buy a highflying company stocks when it was just a few dollars per share? Tell
your coworkers if you did, you would’ve been retired by now and wouldn’t have to go to your crummy job and
take crap from your boss every day for a lousy paycheck. Go ahead; tell every one, that’s a killer idea.
More or less, all of us have similar experiences and grieving over such missed opportunities does not raise
suspicion.

Marriage.
The longest and safest road to perdition is holy matrimony. This interactive approach serves both genders
equally well. Clinical studies prove that the effectiveness of this method is almost 100% over a 15 to 20 years
period depending on your cholesterol level  and number of your in-laws.

In this popular joint venture, spouses work hand in hand to have and to hold for better or for worse, for richer
or for poorer, in sickness or in health, to induce a heart attack  until death do them part.
Although heart failure occurs in men more frequently, women have less chance of survival if they have one
therefore, marriage may be considered an equal opportunity death trap.
During this long treatment period, spouses must systematically nag and blame one another for no apparent
reason. Unlike the antibiotics that must be taken with plenty of food and liquid, nagging must be
administrated on an empty stomach to maximize the potency.

Please be advised that when your husband is constantly complaining, he’s doing you a favor. He’s diligently
doing his part to give you a heart attack. Therefore, don’t put your hands over your ears and sing “blah,
blah, blah”, and don’t you walk away either.  Instead, you return the favor by initiating your nonstop nagging
therapy session for a minimum of 45 minutes twice daily.
It’s strongly recommended that when the two of you are screaming at one another and at the crucial moment
of a heart failure and when you’re on the brink of collapse, avoid taking a deep breath and do not and I
repeat Do Not drink cold water.  Try smoking a pack of unfiltered Marlboros instead.

After about fifteen years of marriage, the survival rate is usually minimal. However, if you don’t see any sign
of a heart failure at this critical milestone, there are only two logical explanations.

First, you’re already dead and you don’t know it. Just because you walk, talk and use cuss words, it doesn’t
mean you’re alive. These signs can be very misleading. Please go ahead and take your pulse and monitor
your vital signs. If you still believe you’re alive and well, contact your primary physician and demand an EKG
and notice the flat lines on your report.  

Second, your immune system has produced an antibody to marriage in your blood. This sub-optimal
condition is rare yet temporary, therefore, don’t be alarmed and take no further action. Just stay in your
marriage and check your pulse every six months until you’re a flat-liner.    

There are however, exceptions to the rule. There are reports of some happily married couples who are not
legally dead after even thirty to forty years of marriage. Some don’t even complain about a mild chest pain,
let alone suffering from a heart attack.  If you stumble across such couples, urge them to take a vision and
hearing test to prove that they are blind and deaf. In their golden years, they’re lucky enough to see no
spouse and hear no spouse on daily basis, how could they possibly get a heart attack?