When the city ordinance in U.S. major cities prohibited
Homeless from sleeping under bridges, on park benches,
and on sidewalks, the Homeless issue became number one
public concern. Although homelessness was the hot issue of
the day, majority of people remained uninformed of its root
Nature of Disease
To properly educate citizens, a major television network
invited a panel of experts to a prime time special to discuss
the topic. This program was sponsored by the Home
Entertainment Corporation-HEC. There was an enormous
publicity blitz to promote the special. The projected audience
turnout inflated the cost of advertising minutes until they
exceeded Super Bowl commercials in price.
The show opened with a distinguished sociology
professor who gave a thoughtful account of this social
“A homeless is a person who does not have a home,” he
This profound and comprehensive description of the issue
sparked an intense debate among the expert panelists.
“We must explore the historical cause of this social
disease otherwise we cannot eradicate it. My studies show
that these people are traced back to wandering Jews that
after thousands of years still have no home.” An eminent
historian on the panel warned, she then turned her gaze
directly into the camera.
“Purchase my latest hardcover book “Kick a Homeless Ass”
at a reasonable price of $29.95 at your local bookstore or
online to learn more about this infectious disease. And don’t
miss the delicious ending,” she continued.
“As Karl Marx wrote at the beginning of the manifesto of
the communist party; a specter is haunting Europe; the
specter of communism. These bastards haunted Europe for
half a century and thank heaven their atheist ideology finally
collapsed. And now the same damn Communists who have
gone completely berserk after the defeat of their ideals by
Capitalism moved to America. Now they wander the streets of
our modern industrial cities like shabby dressed ghosts just
to make our prosperous urban areas look bad,” The next
expert on panel, renowned conservative politician
compassionately rejected previous speaker’s anti-
An African-American civic leader and a major shareholder
of the HEC, nodded in agreement with the right wing
politician: “Yes, I hear you brother. We the leaders of the civil
right movement have undeniable evidence that prove our
enemies dispatch their black agents dressed as Homeless
just to create racial tensions in our country.”
And finally a CEO of a successful Internet company
offered an insider’s look of the homeless and revealed their
“Homeless are nothing but leftover hippies who are fixated on
their obsolete principals. They grow their hair long, refuse to
take shower, fornicate excessively and smoke pot. I
personally know some of these vagabonds from Vietnam War
era.” He suddenly paused, looked up at the camera, and
sheepishly apologized again for his opposition to the war
when he was a stupid young man during the Sixties.
After the enlightenment, it was time to properly address
this social plague and eradicate it once and for all.
The Homeless controversy deepened when a softhearted
philanthropist published an article and proposed establishing
shelter homes as a short-term solution and blamed the
stagnate economy and misguided government policies as the
root causes of this issue. She urged the government to
stimulate the economy and create jobs. Politicians from right
to left and top to bottom unanimously rejected these radical
ideas and called her a Commie bastard.
One senator remarked: “The idea of free housing would
tempt more lazy people to become Homeless. It’s not the
government’s responsibility to create jobs for citizens. That
would be against the spirit of a free society,” he said.
Due to urgency of the matter, the city ordinance was
announced on major networks and print media. It argued
that this virus must be eliminated from the fabric of society
and carriers of this virus must be prosecuted. According to
the ordinance Homeless were banned from sleeping under
bridges, park benches or sidewalks. After the official
condemnation of this social plague, Homeless could not
afford to stay poor anymore. They had to purchase a house
and change their life style or face the legal consequences.
Since Homeless do not watch television and sleep on
newspapers instead of reading them, the news did not reach
its target audience. Unlike the Homeless all homeowners
received the stark warning. Homeless were granted ample
time to upgrade their social status and they stubbornly
refused to cooperate. These felons continued to sleep on
public property—especially during freezing nights just to
demonstrate their lack of respect for the new law. Their
defiance was outrageous. They were mocking the law! Now
was the time to act decisively.
Since the enforcement of the new law did not bear fruit
and Homelessness was not eradicated, a grass root
paramilitary group called “Good Citizens” was established in
every major city. This nationwide network was formed by well
educated upper class citizens who after dinner had enough
leisure time to chase Homeless out of public areas at nights
and lose some weight in the process. However, after months
of hard work, The Good Citizens benefited from the exercise
and got in shape and lost a few pounds around their bellies
yet the Homelessness issue was not resolved.
Since the man’s law was not working, God had to intervene.
Therefore, a prominent spiritual leader appeared on a
popular Sunday morning television show and preached.
Homeless will finally lose faith and become Godless,
because they don’t see that God works in mysterious ways. If
we don’t get rid of homeless people now, sooner than later
Homeless women will sell their soul to Satan and their bodies
to married men. They will spread evil in our society and
eventually our spotless communities will be stained with
infidelity and fornication,” the preacher reasoned.
Spiritual leaders joined politicians, businessmen and
celebrities in a lavish televised banquet one night, sipped
champagne and chanted, “Death to Homeless.”
The Voice of Homeless however was silent in this
reception, not because they didn’t have one, but because he
was a little under the weather and resting at home. In a
written statement he apologized for his absence and
regretted the missed opportunity to promote his book called
“Homeless, What a Mess” in such a high profile event.
Later on he appeared on television and courageously
challenged this unjust city ordinance and passionately
argued as follows:
“How do we know that a person who is resting on a park
bench or under a bridge is really a Homeless? We must take
every precaution not to harass decent people just because
they enjoy the outdoors.”
He then proposed profiling based on race, color, body
odor and wardrobe as the only effective metric to identify
offenders. Such bold and unprecedented recommendations
cemented his position as an indisputable advocate of
As a result, the law was fine-tuned to prevent violating the
constitutional rights of citizens. It was stipulated that if the
person sleeping on the bench is white, does not smell
repulsively and is not dressed in ragged clothing, he may not
be considered a Homeless and therefore is not breaking any
Every night police officers woke up suspects sleeping in
public places, looked them in the eyes and slyly asked the
following question: “Where is your home?” If the person didn’
t know the answer or replied after a questionable pause, he
or she would be considered a member of the anti-social
Homeless network and get arrested on spot and sent to jail.
However progress was slow. Several reports indicated
Homeless not only continued sleeping in the public areas but
to show their utter defiance, they farted violently and became
vocal in their acts of protest.
Some of these apprehended anarchists did not even
speak English and responded to the authorities only by
uttering, “Si, Por favor, Si, No, Si.” Which led the authorities
to believe they were connected to foreign powers. Poor
countries were exporting their poverty to destroy America.
The public was outraged after a televised report showed
a Homeless searching through the garbage and empting the
container. A prominent sociologist analyzed the footage and
remarked, “This Homeless acted exactly opposite of a good
citizen. A good citizen tosses the garbage into the trashcan
and the Homeless takes the garbage out.” This powerful
documentary disturbed every good citizen. By now, it was
obvious, that these radicals could not be ignored. No one
could close his eyes on this clear and present danger.
The national campaign against homeless grew stronger
than ever. Every night, cops cruised the streets in search of
ghosts in ragged clothing. Perpetrators were arrested at
such a high rate that big cities soon ran out of detention
centers. To address the shortage of jail cells issue, a new
emergency budget was quickly approved for construction of
more detention centers. New jails required wardens,
interrogators, security guards and staff. The government’s
prompt response boosted employment in large cities and
created tonss of jobs.
As a result of war against Homeless, the state-of-the-art
prisons became landmarks of every modern city. The wheels
of the stagnant economy started rolling and economists,
politicians and pundits unanimously credited the Homeless
for the economic prosperity that befitted all. Even Homeless
was happy to see the success of this national campaign.
Millions of Homeless now had a place they could call home.
The leader of the “Voice of Homeless” is now considered
a national hero and a presidential candidate in upcoming
election. In an exclusive TV interview, he publicly praised the
Homeless for sleeping on park benches, underpasses and