Adam and Eve
Adam was sleeping on his back loudly snoring. His
annoying noise echoed through the cave and kept Eve from
sleeping a wink. The moment she dozed off, his unpleasant
sounds woke her. She finally rolled over and gripped his nose
shut ‘til he couldn’t breathe. Adam’s chest shook violently and
“Must you lie on your back and snore like beasts? You’re
making noise from every hole in your body. How do you
expect me to get some rest?” she sniped.
Adam scratched his crotch with one hand and wiped his eyes
with the other, “How else do you suggest I sleep then? I can’t
turn on my side. Hopefully you haven’t forgotten how your
majesty were created. This woman can’t stand to see me rest!”
This was not the first time Adam rubbed the creation thing
in Eve’s face. Every time they squabbled, he brought up the
issue and mocked her. But this time she was too pissed off to
“Enough is enough,” she responded huffily. “Who the hell do
you think you are? I don’t owe you anything! It wasn’t my
choice to be created from your damned rib. This is your last
warning, you make noise of any kind, and I split.”
“Split my ass.” Adam replied carelessly.
“I am serious Goddamn it, I will find a place of my own.”
“You go to hell.” Adam turned his back to her and murmured
while settling down to sleep,
Hell was not a nice place and Eve knew it. The relentless
heat, excessive humidity, and polluted air were not good for
her flawless skin. Even in this short period since her creation
she avoided the area altogether. She ground her teeth, lay
down next him and furiously started counting sheep.
The next morning, Adam sat by the gurgling fountain with
a long face. His hair was mussed and his beard unattended.
The past few nights he had terrible nightmares in which he
saw Eve with another man. His gut feeling was telling him his
woman was up to something, but he didn’t know who to
accuse of this crime. He had no one in heaven to blame. On
some occasions he’d tried to get her to talk by asking tricky
questions, but Eve was too smart. Once he openly talked
about his disturbing recurring dreams yet she flatly dismissed
his absurd hunch and blamed the nightmares on his late-night
But Adam had a troubling intuition; he knew something was
wrong. His burning jealousy was ruining their lives. He was not
in the mood to do anything anymore. His love making
performance was nothing short of disappointment to Eve and
that made the matter worse because he had another reason
to feel inferior and a failure.
He fondly remembered the first few weeks of his life with
Eve (the only happy days they had together). They woke
early mornings and strolled from the northeast side of the
Eden to the rim of hell, then walked back and jumped in the
pond for a swim. This morning routine usually turned Adam on
that led to a quickie followed by breakfast. The walk was Eve’s
idea to control Adam’s weight. She insisted he cut down on
red meat and exercise three times a week as he was growing
disproportionally to look like penguins.
Adam was suspicious of everything—especially those
damn monkeys. When they thought he was not around, they
would jump on Eve, play with her and chuckle wickedly. As
Eve was floating on her back in the water she called up on his
man, “Adam, I want children. Your jiffy performance in bed is
not bearing fruits. It’s embarrassing, you must try harder.”
Adam stared into the fountain, thinking aloud, “I dreamt
we had two kids, one was a nincompoop who couldn’t stand
up for himself and the other one, a rascal and a
troublemaker. And the worst part was that they didn’t get
along. We’re better off without them.”
“And who the hell made you the boss? Who are you telling me
what I want?” Eve stood up in the waist-high water, quickly
gathering her long hair into a knot and shouted.
“I don’t want to talk about it!” Adam shrieked.
“You know something? You are not the only one who makes
decisions around here. So far, I lived with you because I had
no choice. You were the only man I knew. Ever since I opened
my eyes you were there; but that may not be the case in the
future!” Eve pointed her finger and called upon him in an
Adam’s cheeks suddenly darkened as his nightmares were
suddenly validated by this comment.
“Come out of that damn water right now!” he ordered.
Eve had never seen her man this angry before. She
immediately waded out of water and gently asked, “Why are
you so angry? Adam, in your physical condition, stress can kill
you. Calm down, dear.”
Adam screamed, “I don’t want to calm down. You, you’re
having an affair.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Don’t act dumb for me; it’s too late to deny it. You’re up to
something. Are you having an affair with those monkeys! I
knew they were not touching you innocently. If I catch one, I’ll
shove a stick up his ass!”
Eve shook the water off her hands, “Do you really believe I
fool around with monkeys? Come on cutie. I wouldn’t
consider such a thing.”
Adam lost his senses. He violently grabbed Eve’s elbows and
pulled her to him, “Tell me everything. Who is it? What’s his
Eve knew she couldn’t hide the truth anymore and she had to
come clean. She took a deep breath and slightly separated
from the raging brute.
“His name is Devil. I met him last week.”
“Devil? What kind of foolish name is that?”
“He wants me to call him Devy. He says Devy is seductive.”
“Where did you meet this bastard? Tell me where he lives and
I know what to do with him.”
“Walk straight until you see a split willow tree; then turn left
and keep going until you see a steaming spring by a cave. It’
s a cozy spot. The air is filled with scented mist and stars blink
“Now you go on a rendezvous behind my back? How dare
you? What the hell did you two talk about? Tell me
everything, every single detail,” Adam interrupted.
“Adam believe me nothing happened between us. Devy is a
gentleman. He is poetic, witty and a sweetheart! You should
see the way he moves his butt in dance, it’s so charming. Why
don’t you come with me and meet him? You can learn a lot
from him,” Eve nervously replied.
By hearing these affectionate words of his woman for another
man Adam grew even more desperate.
“He’s a sweet talker, a good dancer with a sense of humor
and you still trust him? Oh! I’ll show this maggot who he’s
dealing with.” Adam was fuming.
Adam and Eve planned to visit Devil the next evening.
During this time, Adam was increasingly nervous. Anxiety
gave him a severe case of diarrhea and he spent most of the
night behind the bushes contemplating a way out this
He was about to face the man with superior qualities who
was on the verge of stealing his woman. He knew Devil was a
good talker so in the remaining short time, he practiced
debating complex issues and since he lacked mental faculty
and knowledge required to argue complex issues; he kept
babbling incoherent sentences while throwing his hands in the
Adam desperately attempted to use fancy words and exotic
expressions in his solitary debates to come across as an
intellectual but since his vocabulary was so limited what came
out of his mouth was not much different than what came out of
his ass. As a precaution however, he was planning to carry a
big sturdy stick with him the next day to serve as a cane to
make him look sophisticated and to beat the hell out of the
Devil if worse come to worst. He could not leave anything to
When the next night arrived the heavenly couple walked
hand-in-hand to visit Devil. As Eve described they finally
found themselves in a cozy spot with a tantalizing view of an
aromatic hot spring surrounded by lush trees and blinking
Poor Adam was not enjoying the scenery as his knees were
buckling and he was about to faint. At this moment the couple
noticed a snake lurking in a tree watching them. Before they
could react, the lurking serpent swiftly released himself from
the branch and flew in the air. It masterfully tossed and turned
in midair and landed before them in the shape of a man.
Adam, who was stunned by this spectacular performance,
desperately gathered all his strength, looked his enemy in the
eyes, and introduced himself, “Nice to meet you. My name is
Adam, the forefather of humanity.”
“It is a pleasure to meet you, Sir. My name is Devil, the
Lucifer, the prince of this world,” their host warmly greeted
Devil invited his guests to sit.
“Eve told me a lot about you. You’re so lucky to have such a
His devilish remark placed a lovely smile on Eve’s face which
did not go unnoticed by Adam. Complimenting his woman was
something he‘d never mastered. Devil had scored a point.
“You are quite an expert in seducing women yourself,” Adam
responded to neutralize the vicious attack.
“I seduce men as well,” Devil seductively smiled while winking
This dubious comment and salacious gesture caught Adam
off guard; he was not prepared to respond.
The truth was that Devil’s demeanor was not adversarial.
Adam found him quite sociable and relaxed. After they
chatted for a while about heaven and hell, Satan went inside
the cave and returned with a clay pitcher and three clay
chalices. He filled the cups with a blood-red liquid and offered
them to his guests. Adam and Eve who had never seen red
water before both took a cautious sip. Devil saw the inquiring
looks on their faces.
“This is wine, a fermented product of grapes.”
He then poured a second round and toasted to their health.
After the second, came the third and the forth. Eve refused
but Adam kept drinking. The wine made Adam a little dizzy,
the pleasant headache he experienced was different from the
ones he always had during his arguments with Eve. When
Devil offered the next round, Eve warned her man to refrain
as he was acting even more foolishly than usual.
But Adam was out of control, he drank all night long and
finally staggered to the hot spring, held his chalice high in the
air, “I love to meet the moment, the wine-tender offers me the
next round and I fail to drink.” He collapsed into the water.
Eve was mortified by Adam’s idiotic behavior. She pulled him
out of the water, apologized to their host, and dragged him
home by twisting his left ear and cursing him under her
This was the beginning of the amity between Adam and
Eve and Satan. The couple frequently visited Devil. Although
Devil advised them on numerous occasions to enjoy life in
heaven in moderation but Adam and Eve always went too far.
They showed a superior aptitude and enthusiasm to learn his
Devilish acts. Their propensity in acting evil came as a
surprise to Satan himself. The more he knew the heavenly
couple, the less he liked them.
Shortly after this acquaintance, they made better wine
than their mentor. Adam showed extreme talent in debating
both sides of any issue. He diabolically twisted any argument
to his favor and nailed the Devil. Soon they surpassed their
master in every respect and learned and perfected every one
of his tricks.
Adam and Eve found Devil to be a naïve and gullible creature
and mocked him every opportunity they had. They loved to
play practical jokes on poor soul. Devil didn’t know how to
stay away from them anymore. He usually transformed himself
into a snake and hid in holes, but they pulled him out by the
tail and teased him ruthlessly. Bullying in heaven caused
Devil to develop nervous ticks and he now was twitching
More than anything else, Devil was harassed by the unwanted
sexual advances of Eve. He felt so uncomfortable with her
meaningful comments, sexually explicit jokes, and
inappropriate touches. He had no privacy anymore. Life in
heaven turned into a living hell for Lucifer the prince of
darkness. His life was in complete disarray and he lost joy in
living in the Garden of Eden. Devil was fed up and finally
decided to end his tormenting relationship with Adam and
One night he invited the two to his place. After dinner, he
“I have a confession to make. I was given a mission by the
creator to tempt you. My understanding was that you were
pure and innocent and my job was to corrupt you but I don’t
think you needed any help in that area. You my friends are
two disturbed individuals by nature and I don’t want to be
blamed for it. Let’s call it quits. This friendship is not going
anywhere, I want out. The entire paradise is yours and I’ll go
to hell and enjoy my stay as long as I don’t see the two of you
ever again.” Devils eyes were filled with tears as he uttered
At this precise moment when Devil was most emotionally
vulnerable, Eve shamelessly pinched his ass. “We are not
through with you yet, you sexy thing!” and giggled repulsively.
Satan blushed by this humiliating treatment. He did not
know a nice way of getting rid of them. A few minutes later
without raising suspicion, he excused himself and departed.
As soon as he was out of their sight, he ran, he ran for his
life. Finally he entered a cave, dropped to his knees, and
cried to his creator.
“Dear God! We need to talk. I have carefully studied
these two freaks of yours and analyzed their behaviors. How
could you create such jerks? What were you thinking? I don’t
mean to portray a dystopia and come across as pessimist but
I warn you, if these two idiots procreate, we will be in big
trouble. How could these two possibly have decent genes?
Their descendants will be worse than they are.
They will destroy heaven with ignorance and crime.
And now I can see what you’re up to my dear Lord. You knew
they were good for nothing bums from the beginning. Then
you maliciously got me involved just to blame me later. You
planned everything? Didn’t you? You cannot be more
deceitful than that. I tell you this and there is no way I take
responsibility for your booboo. I don’t want to be a victim of
your conspiracy. I refuse to be your escape goat. I am
submitting my resignation effective immediately.”
Devil cried like spring showers and then he took a deep
breath and mopped his running nose and continued, “Let’s be
practical my dear God. What’s done is done but we need to
do a damage control. Pointing fingers is not going to solve
our problem. At this point, I don’t care what your plans are for
the future of humanity as long as I’m not a part of it. Just keep
these two assholes away from me. Dear God, please do
Satan shed tears of sorrow and sobbed in misery until despite
lack of seizure history he started having convulsions and
collapsed. He went into a deep coma for an unknown period
When he woke, he was inspired, refreshed and optimistic.
As he strode back to his place, he noticed Adam and Eve
approaching. They were both drunk out of their minds. Eve
called out to him, “You ditched us you Devil. Come to Mama
you naughty boy.” Satan cleared his throat as he got closer to
“Wait my friends! I am going to show you something new.
Believe me you don’t know everything about heaven yet.”
”And you are the one who is going to teach us? That I like to
see.” Eve giggled.
“There is a tree with a fruit that makes you high; it takes you
to a different world. The pleasure of wine is nothing compared
to magical stupor caused by this fruit. But I have to warn you’
re prohibited to taste it,” Devil confidently continued.
“If it’s forbidden, it must be good stuff, ” Adam countered.
“Whatever the hell it is, as long as it gives me pleasure, I‘m all
for it,” The intoxicated Eve shouted.
“This fruit is perfect for you two pleasure seekers. It’s just the
right thing for you.” He then guided Adam and Eve to the tree
he never knew existed before he went into coma. They swiftly
picked fruits and started gorging as if they’d never eaten
The moment they swallowed the first bites; they felt an
incredibly strong kick to their asses. Before they could realize
what had happened, they were thrown in the air.
“Now, you are officially going to the fantasy land!” Devil
sighed in relief and waved at them as they were getting
farther and farther from heaven and joyfully shouted.